I Don't Think It Was Love
by XxXxDarkVampirexXxX
Summary: When Harry learns love is what is supposed to defeat the Dark Lord, he puts two and two together, and quickly comes up with a solution that fixes everything! Slash fic! Basically just crack.


**Yo! Someone left a comment on a different fic of mine that instantly had the plot bunnies hopping around, and this is what came of it. So thank you 'fluffyspid3r', whether you read this or not, for the idea! Also, you're likely to see the beginning of this in something else, because it got real serious all of a sudden before the comedy kicked in, and got me thinking about something else with a similar beginning. This is basically just crack, by the way. I just thought it was funny.**

 **Past Cedric/Harry, Mentions of Voldemort/Harry.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters...**

Sixteen year old Harry Potter was in an extremely bad mood. It was summer vacation, he was trapped in Privet Drive, the Dursleys were driving him up the wall, the Order was filled with incompetent idiots, his poor godfather was dead, the prophecy had been created by someone he had spent years thinking was a fraud, and Dumbledore was under the impression that love of all things was going to help him defeat the Dark Lord.

 _Love_!

Dumbledore had told the teen that the main thing that made him different from the Dark Lord, was that unlike Voldemort, Harry was capable of love. But that didn't make any sense to him.

How the fuck was loving people supposed to help!?

Harry had loved his parents he was sure, and they were dead. He had loved a certain boy he didn't like thinking about and he was dead. He had loved his godfather, and oh, look, he was dead now too!

In Harry's opinion love only seemed to lead to one thing: death. Was he going to have to fall in love to Voldemort to kill him or something!? Was that what Dumbledore wanted!? Was that how he had defeated Grindelwald!?

...Huh.

 _Was_ that what he was supposed to do? If love lead to death, and that particular part of his life followed the pattern it had been so far then, logically, falling in love with Voldemort would quickly end up killing him. Right?

But-but he didn't _want_ to fall in love with Voldemort! The guy was _evil_! He _killed_ people for fun! And honestly, he was probably just really grumpy because he could never even get laid anyway, and-

...Wait, what?

If Voldemort could get laid, maybe that would put him in a better mood, and maybe he wouldn't want to take over the world anymore!

Okay, so that probably wasn't going to work, but it was worth a shot at least, wasn't it?

...Now how was it going to be able to do this without getting himself killed first?

* * *

It wasn't as hard as Harry had thought it would be.

He had gone to the Death Eaters wandering around Privet Drive in an attempt to kidnap him, had them take him directly to Voldemort's lair, who had immediately ordered for them to leave the two of them alone so he could gloat about his capture to him, Harry supposed, and then the teen had put some of his supposed charms (that he had a lot of according to Fred and George) into action.

It had worked almost instantly, though the Parseltounge had certainly helped matters. He was pinned in the middle of a very nice bed barely ten minutes later and oh-this was a lot better than he had been thinking! He wasn't even sure why he had been dreading doing this!

Voldemort may not have gotten laid recently, but he sure as hell knew what to do in bed!

* * *

"H...Harry?"

"Yes, Headmaster?"

"You claimed Tom no longer wishes to...take over the world?"

"That's right."

"How-how in the world did you-?"

"All he needed was to get laid! Honestly, that guy has a lot of pent up emotions and he needed a way to let loose and relax, just like everyone else! My arse kinda hurts now though, but I guess it was worth it. ...Headmaster? Moony! I think Dumbledore had an aneurysm!"

And while the Order rushed into the room to find out what was going on, Harry himself didn't linger. He was planning on being busy for the next day or so. Maybe even a few days longer.

After all, he had to make sure Voldemort didn't end up getting all grumpy again. Ah, what a difficult job he had ended up being landed with...

FIN

 **Yeah, just makes me laugh. I wrote this in like, fifteen minutes. I don't even know what I'm doing with my life. Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!**


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